Set me up another round, Frannie.
And put out some old home.
Because I'm fixing to get tore out of my frame.
A little early for that, isn't it, coach?
Not if you just found out the last of your brothers just died.
- You're kidding. - Dude, that sucks.
Damn right, it sucks. So here's to Achilles.
Hercules. Odysseus. Perseus.
And the twins, Castor and Pollux.
But wait. How'd you end up named Tornado?
Because my real name's Bellerophon.
So how'd they die?
It was the 3rd of June.
A sleepy, dusty, delta day up on the Tallahatchie Bridge.
Persi died first. Made his own bungee-jumping rig...
...out of a whole bunch of little bungee cords and duct tape.
Hey, y'all, watch this.
Oh, no. The cord totally broke, right?
Probably would've. But he didn't measure the bridge.
So there was still 50 feet of bungee on it when he hit.
- Dude. - And to make matters worse...
...he jumped a-holding Hero's favorite chicken.
My chicken.
No way. Hercules jumped too?
Shattered his spine.
But with his dying breath, he hollered up to us.
Oh, this ain't even my chicken.
Well, whose is it?
Maybe you'd better sit down, Oddie.
Oh, my chicken.
He loved that bird something fierce.
But he landed on Herc.
Killed them both deader than 4:00 in the morning.
Was the chicken okay?
Funny enough, that old yardbird lived. Like @ dadgum miracle.
- So we ate him. - Circle of life, man.
Needless to say, Mama was pretty tore up about the whole thing.
- You say that's Hero's chicken? - No, it's Oddie's.
He's plump.
Hey. Here's to your bean-snapping mother.
And your deadass brothers.
That night, Castor and Pollux got to drinking.
Then they swore revenge.
Revenge? On who?
On that damn bridge.
They put a 50-gallon drum of gas on each end of the bridge.
Wait, wait, wait. Gas? On a wooden bridge?
Yeah, yeah, that-- Shut up.
Then they staggered out onto the middle of the bridge--
Wait, whoa, whoa. The middle of the bridge?
Damn it. Can I tell this, please?
And then they pulled back on their mighty bows of yew and screamed:
That's right. Here's for our brothers.
You son-of-a-bitching bridge.
Son-of-a-bitching bridge made of wood.
Flammable-ass son of a bitch. Wooden son of a bitch.
Hey, Pollux.
- Yeah, Castor? - I am drunk as shit!
Dude, I hate that freaking bridge.
I'll drink to that.
But you said you had six brothers.
- That's only five. - Yeah.
Old Achilles died yesterday.
How?
Heart attack taking a dump.
- Circle of life, man. - Ashes to ashes, poop to poop.
And so now it's up to me to continue the Shanks name.
- The bloodline. - Aren't you a little old to have kids?
Yes, I am. Which reminds me of a funny plot twist.
Get over here, freak job.
Are you sure this is gonna help Hesh's rap career?
Now, you just make sure you're at the chapel on time tomorrow.
In man clothes.
Why are these lilies here?
These go up by the altar, girl.
Big table up front. Got a bigass leather book on it.
Thank you.
Run some of that weight off, maybe somebody'd marry your sorry ass.
We about ready to do this?
Almost, but I still don't get it.
Well, it's simple as pie.
Hesh marries Debbie. They copulate.
Then I adopt their first-born son...
...and boom, the Shanks line continues unbroken.
But if they have a child, it's not even gonna share your bloodline.
Well, Rome wasn't built in a day.
- What? - It's right there in the Bible.
Oh, come on already.
The party can't start until after the wedding.
Speak for yourself.
Hey, hey. Let me hit that, homes.
Don't call me homes, momma-mugger.
Dude, come on out and get a shot of Dutch courage.
I resent that phrase.
Get out of here, Yost.
Yeah, go roll over for the Nazis.
For your information, the Dutch resistance was a crucial factor...
...in the allied victory in World War II.
Oh, yeah? Why don't you go tell that to Anne Frank.
- Yost. Oh, crap. - What?
I was gonna tell Yost to go stick his finger in a dike.
Shut up.
Plus, that's the oldest joke in the world.
- Come on out, Hesh. - Hesh is sick.
Hesh fell off the wagon last night at the bachelor party.
You only had one drink.
Other wagon.
Hey, hey. Thanks, Heshina. See you Tuesday.
How the hell did Shanks talk Debbie...
...into marrying a freaky-deaky transvestite hooker like Hesh?
Attagirl. Get a big old handful.
Are you sure that this is really trail mix?
Yeah, but with Vicodin, baby aspirin and horse tranquilizers.
Well, it's freaking "delicilous.”
- Really? - Yeah. Dig in there, fat stuff.
Well, maybe a couple.
Just to take the edge off.
But isn't it kind of weird Quinn asked you to ask me to marry him for him?
Yes, it is.
But that's what makes the plot twist so...
So twisty-like.
You're cute.
Friends of the bride?
- How'd you know? - Oh, lucky guess.
Black man chasing Hesh.
Get out of my way, woman.
Leave him alone. If I have to take my shoe off...
...I promise you, you gonna remember it.
- What? - When the preacher says:
"Or forever hold your peace," you better damn hold it, or I'll hold it for you.
She's gonna hold your piece.
You two shut up. Flick and Flack. the dummy twins. That's all y'all are.
She ain't the boss of my ass.
Watch your mouth.
This is a house of God.
Damn it.
Busted.
How many shoes do you have, woman?
That was mine, you crippled bastard.
Them pills are making everything look all purple and googly.
I'm hot.
Don't worry, Yost is on the scene.
Look at your head.
What in the hell happened here?
I put the fire out.
Oh, go stick your finger in a dike.
And you. You better get yourself together, girl.
I'm just so happy.
Oh, God, I'm itchy.
What kind of f****** idiot would make pants out of wool?
Dude, I'm itching like a bastard.
You crappy-ass *******, Shut the hell up...
...so we can get this ******* confusing crappy-ass mess the **** over with.
It would please me to no end if you people could refrain from swearing.
- It burns. - Holy--
Well, I'm waiting for a thank you.
We're terrific.
Sorry, pardon me. Sorry. Sorry.
Excuse me, pardon me. Got it. Sorry.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
Special delivery. Angel from heaven.
Let's do that again.
Okay.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...
...to join Debra and Hesh in the sacred bond of holy matrimony.
Hesh wants married sex.
Hey, you.
The groom has requested to read his own vows.
Yo, yo, yo. Let me see them hands, people.
Come on, y'all. You can feel the beat.
Remember way back When I was smoking crack
You were working the corner Selling that ass
And I took that rusty pipe Gave your head that gash
Then took your cash And spent it on smack
I feel bad about that Not really, but yeah
That and the time !/ made you shave your cat
Oh, and the time ! said your ass looked fat
Or when [played the back nine While you teak a nap
As a matter of fact I've been a downright jerk
Stealing cash from your purse But that ain't the worst
Can't believe I'm the guy Who filled your eye with--
We went to the ER I hit on the nurse
Now we're here in a church To make it official
I love you, you bitch You're a mother--
Equipment failure. Hesh beatbox fill.
I'm going to enjoy watching you die, Mr. Hesh.
No.
These pills, awesome.
- You. You are the one. - Yes.
Hesh is the one that becomes the one, as Hesh is the one.
Vis-a-vis, Hesh is the one as Hesh chooses to be the one.
Vis-a-vis, Hesh believes because Hesh chooses to.
You know, the dialogue from The Matrix sucks.
Sorry.
I love you, all-powerful Hesh.
As you should, for Hesh is obviously the most popular character...
...in the Adult Swim lineup, proclaim.
And so there is my Sealab script...
...using the greatest character ever created, Hesh, the greatest MC on earth.
One mike to rule them all.
Timmy, both hands on the keyboard.
Oh, are we not knocking now, Mother?
Dinner's ready. And for the love of God, wash your hands.
Farewell, Hesh. My Salisbury steak awaits.
[ENGLISH]
Five bucks below the belt. That's how [ roll.